it feels like the compulsion to lash out at men keeps getting stronger and stronger, the need to tear them down consumes me, i want every piece of rotten meat they’ve expelled from themselves to be irrelevant, i want to stop pretending they have the power, stop
homeboy gave me an STI, one he “didn’t know he had” despite knowingly having sex with someone who was infected. I didn’t know about this until after i was diagnosed and had to have a piece of my suspicious looking cervix cut out and tested for cancer. it came back negative.
when i confronted him with the news he immediately apologized and immediately got defensive, claiming that he wasn’t the one who gave it to me, and that there was no way for us to know it was him even though that is not true in the slightest. i at first fought back but eventually calmed down and accepted that he would not claim partial responsibility. i was wrong.
i am always wrong when i giggle at a joke that i think is lazy, lame, or stupid. i’m wrong when i apologize for not wanting to give a blowjob to someone because its the last thing i would want to do. when men touch me in any way and i’m not interested in being touched, despite our relationship or lack thereof, i am wrong for not pushing their hands away, looking them in the eyes and saying “don’t fucking touch me”
i’m wrong when i slowly walk towards a bed i have no interest in laying in
i’m wrong when i watch girls slide away from a boy who’s fingering her waist at a bar and don’t say anything
i’m wrong when i trivialize my sexual abuse on love’s behalf.
"i did something nice for you i just wanted you to do something nice for me"
i do nice things for you all the time.
i eventually laugh when you slap me in the face, i mean, it was just reactionary,
i dismiss it when you kiss me on the forehead, pat my hair and say “awww”, baby me, think my concerns are cute like a baby hiccup
i wait politely while you assert time and time again that you are more important than me. that you are smarter than me. that whatever you have to say is more profound than anything i have said before and anything i will say in the future.
i listen to you when you criticize me for criticizing men.
i apologize to you when i call you out on your shitty behavior and you have a shitty excuse.
i try my best to make sure you are cool with my plans, cool with my life choices, comfortable enough to take your hard dick and slap me in the face with it while i’m asleep to wake me up
all i want is for you to say “keep it up” and
not scream at me at the top of your lungs while i’m trying to fall asleep and forget everything ever happened.
the only thing i want is for you to not think of me as a throw away girl or as lazy or as passive in my life
but i am passive. i see women get mistreated all the time and i say nothing. i have been continually mistreated by people i love and have said nothing, or have been silenced by them,
saying “they don’t need to deal with” the shit they’ve done that’s caused me pain.
if you continue to just think, then you’re nothing more than a thought
and i’m ready to forget it